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Growth and Life Long Pain

When it comes to luck, I felt like I have for so long carried the short stick, and was destined to hold on to it. Life has thrown some pretty rough curve balls my way, and anyone who has followed my blog knows this.

I was married young, that marriage was hard, and I didn’t get to raise my three daughters.   I raised my oldest son without his father in his life – and that was his father’s choice.  After I walked away from that marriage, my family wasn’t very supportive, so I went on my own to figure out my life. I was remarried when I was 31, and even through I thought things were looking up, they went downhill.  I was diagnosed with RA and fibromyalgia after my youngest son was born, my brother was diagnosed with cancer and passed away, my second marriage ended, Mom had a stroke and passed away a few years later, and I was struggling to keep afloat – emotionally, physically and financially.

If anyone could be so screwed up, it would be me, but I am not a martyr. I am someone to keeps getting up every single time I fall, and that is what keeps me going. And I learned from the greatest woman that ever lived – my mother.  Everyone that knew her knew how strong she was, and she never let anyone see her waver, and I will be darned if I ever let bad circumstances win.  The only way I stay down is if I am on my knees praying.

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Here we are – almost in 2018 –  and my daughters are these lovely young women.  Two are married, and I am already a grandma.  I keep in touch with all three, and our relationship is in a good place. My oldest son is a senior in high school, and he has turned into a wonderful young man, and he turned out remarkable because of me.  And life has blessed  me with this amazing, bright and happy 9-year-old boy who makes me smile, even on the days when it feels like I have nothing left in my me.  My health isn’t ideal, and there are set backs, but I fight everyday to keep going so that RA doesn’t win.

I turn 42 in a couple days, and I realize how much I have grown emotionally in the last several years.  I am afraid to say it out loud sometimes, but I am doing okay. Kids are healthy and happy, I don’t feel like I am drowning anymore, but mostly, I am happy.   And “mostly” is pretty good.   I am not waiting for the other shoe to drop, which was something I did for so long.  I know that I cannot predict the future, but if life has taught me anything, the one important thing is that I AM A SURVIVOR.

I spent so much of my life trying to get validation, and I failed miserably.  It has taken lots of therapy and soul searching to be content with who I am, even if others in my life don’t agree.  And I am content. I no longer need or seek validation from family, a man or anyone else.

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Of course, there is still stuff I strive to change about myself, but who doesn’t want to be the best version of themselves?  I am working towards being the best version of me based on what is best for me and my kids, and not necessarily what anyone else feels or thinks is better.  So, I say, STAY TUNED.

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References:

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